I'm Not Perfect, But I Keep Trying
by HappyShannon
Summary: Tori begins to sing the opening lines and your heart dies slowly as each lyric hits you harder than the last, because it fits, and it's right but it's wrong. Your face begins to crumple as realization hits you harder than you ever thought possible/Jori.


**Hi guys! This is my second Jori fic, but my first proper Jori-story. I really hope you guys like it, because even though I'm my own biggest critic when it comes to writing stories, I'm not sure if it's good. But you can still read it; I believe in you.**

**- I'M TIRED OF BREATHING, TIRED OF FEELING, TIRED OF LOOKING AT THE PAST FOR MEANING. -**

A glass of vodka and coke is gripped tightly in your left hand and you hold you PearPhone in your right, hesitating as you consider whether to call her - to tell her.

When you met Tori you couldn't stand her - she made out with your boyfriend, she stole all the roles you wanted and she made you feel... wierd.

At first you did genuinely hate her - but to be honest, you hated everyone except Cat, Beck, Andre and Robbie. She needed to earn your friendship, but she wanted to earn it. She, for God knows what reason, wanted to be your friend, and you wanted to accept her friendship. You didn't even know why, and you didn't want to know why, so you pushed her away a little more than you should have.

Hell, you even faked that she hit you. You could've got her expelled, which in your mind she deserved, because why the Hell did she want to be your friend? Why did she have to try and make you feel so guilty and bitter and happy at the same time?

And when she helped save your play, God, you couldn't have not hugged her after that.

For one, she deserved it. She earnt your friendship, finally - although you wouldn't admit that. You'd just act slightly less bitchy.

And reason two... you literally couldn't help yourself. She was right there, with her arms out, and you kept getting these shivers down you spine, and your heart raced a little, and then you just gave in and hugged her. Your body felt numb and at the same time you wanted to move in closer until the gap between your bodys was non-existant.

You press the call button and as you wait, you consider planning out what you're going to say, but decide it will be better if you just let it come from your heart. After a few rings she picks up.

"Jade? Why are you calling me at 2am, I was nearly asleep!" she says tiredly, and your first thought is, '_God, her voice is so cute_.' Your second thought is to verbalize your thoughts, but you decide to save it till later

"Tori Vega," you slur at the phone, "Tori Mother-fucking Vega. How dare you."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude." she says, yawning quietly. "What's up?"

"What's up? What isn't up! You, Vega." you spit, and after taking another sip of your drink you add slowly, "Only you."

"Jade? Are you drunk?" Tori asks in disbelief.

"You're a clever one," you chuckle once, "Okay, no, we need to talk. And by that, I mean I have to talk and you have to listen because I'm the one who called you here, Vega."

"Erm... Okay, I guess." Tori mumbles unsurely.

"Stop it, Vega! Stop making me feel so fucked up! It can't be, like, hate, because I know how hate feels! I hate Sinjin! I like Robbie, but with you it's like a mix!"

"Sorry for interrupting, but isn't that us being frenemies? It's kind of our thing, right?" Tori asks, and you shake your head before remembering she can't see you.

"No, that's not it. It's like, when I see you I can't fucking look away and I want to be all... nice with you and shit, but that's not my thing. I want to fucking... I don't know! Stop confusing me, Vega!" you say, flopping down onto your bed with a smug expression. '_Told you off, bitch._'

"Jade, are you trying to say you have a crush on me?" Tori says slowly and seriously, and you laugh.

"Vega, you fucking wish." you laugh, but her saying that causes something like worry to surge through your body. "Just stop it, okay?"

There's a silence from Tori's end of the phone, and after a moment you quietly says, "Alright, Jade. I'm sorry. Get some sleep, please. I'll see you at school tomorrow." she pauses, as if waiting for you to say something, but when you stay silent she adds, "Night, Jade. Love you."

Your heart skips a beat, your mind freezes, you open your mouth but don't know what to say back, so you essentially mimic what she said. "Night. Love you."

And those two words - 'love you' - they feel right. But they're not supposed to, so you take another sip of drink and take Tori's advice, getting into bed and instantly falling asleep to dreams of Vega.

**- I TOOK MY LOVE, AND I TOOK IT DOWN. I CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN AND I TURNED AROUND. -**

You wake up with a banging hangover and as you enter Hollywood Arts, your first instinct is to go to Tori's locker. You're instantly blinded by the lights on her locker and a vague memory of last night.

"What was I saying to you last night?" you ask weakly, leaning agains the lockers beside hers.

"Well," Tori begins, pausing as she figures out what she's going to say. "You were drunk, I think, and you were basically saying I annoy you."

You laugh lightly, "I'm so charming."

Tori smiles at you for a few seconds before she lowers her eyes to the floor and sighs. "Jade, if I ask you something, will you answer me as honestly as you can?"

"Sure. I've got nothing to hide." I shrug, standing up straight.

"Are you bisexual?" she asks quietly, making sure no one hears.

The first answer in your head is '_No. Nononononononono.'_ but you feel it's more appropriate to laugh at her and reply, "God, Vega, you're an idiot."

Because honestly - you're not sure.

**- WORDS FALL THROUGH ME AND ALWAYS FOOL ME, AND I CAN'T REACT. -**

You don't give a fuck if you're bisexual. Being bi seems awesome. You get to fuck anyone you want, but...

You're not bi. And you're not straight.

But you're not fucking gay. There are hardly any popular lesbian celebrities, and...

I'm not gay. I can't be gay.

Plus, Vega, of all girls? Of all the straight girls out there, I, maybe, kind of, sorta like _Tori_?

It must be a phase. It has to be.

**- I HOPE YOUR TEARS ARE FEW AND FAST, I HOPE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE AT LAST. -**

You're sat in music, staring at Tori for God knows what reason. She turns around, sees you staring, and smiles weakly, waving a few fingers at you from across the room.

"Hi." she mouths, and you smile back at her, and you hold her gaze for too long, far too long, but she's staring back at you so it's okay, because she's straight and you're straight and it's all normal.

But it's not, because your heart skips beats and you can't get her out of your head, and as Beck squeezes your hand you realize that he's the one who's supposed to make you feel like this, so you silently write in pencil on your worksheet, 'It's over.' and you show it to Beck. He reads it, pulls his hand away from yours and passes it back, moving a seat away from you.

Your eyes fall back onto Tori and she's staring at you again. She mouths, "What's up?"

"Tell you later." you mouth back, rubbing your message to Beck off the worksheet.

"You will all get into partners and perform a duet with someone. Any genre you want. At least two minutes long, but no longer than five." the teacher says, and you sigh. Another singing project?

"Can we play instruments instead of singing?" Robbie asks.

"You have to sing. Playing is optional."

You stare down at your desk, and Tori arrives in front of you. "Hey there, Vega."

"Can I be your partner?" she asks hopefully, as if she's expecting you to say no.

You nod slowly and then confirm, "Yes! I mean... Sure. Whatever floats your boat."

"What happened then?" Tori asks, looking at Beck, who is leant against the wall talking to Cat, who presumably is his duet partner.

"I dumped him." you say, sinking lower in your chair. "I like someone else. I never liked him. Or any other guy."

You look at her for half a second and see she's wearing a caring expression, but before you read into it you lower your eyes to your desk again.

"Jade? Are you trying to tell me you're a lesbi..." Tori begins, and you put a hand up.

"Just don't say that word. I don't... I don't like that word. Leave it." you say, and she sits in Beck's old seat and squeezes your wrist, but you shake her off and grab her hand instead.

"Come on, duet ideas." she says, and you can't help but smile.

She's not questioning your sexuality. She heard your answer, she understands you're confused and now she's moving on to a different subject - not uncomfortably, but just because she doesn't feel the need to question you - you're still Jade to her.

Now there is no doubt she has earnt your friendship.

**- I THOUGHT THAT YOU KNEW ME, I THOUGHT THAT YOU KNEW. -**

You've chosen what your duet is going to be - 'Perfect' by Hedley. You've split it up into seperate parts, you have harmonies, you're playing the keyboard while she's playing a few simple guitar chords Andre taught her and it's beautiful when you practice it.

You sit at the piano, and Tori sits ontop of it with her guitar, and you both start to play.

You're shaking, because you're not ready, because you're not feeling like your normal self right now.

Normal-You would be stood up at the piano, wanting to be the centre of attention, and Normal-You wouldn't be staring at Tori Fucking Vega like she's the queen, your idol, the love of your...

And then it clicks.

(Tori begins to sing the opening lines and your heart dies slowly as each lyric hits you harder than the last, because it fits, and it's right but it's wrong and it's _Tori Fucking Vega_, and your face begins to crumple as realization hits you harder than you ever thought possible.)

It's not a phase.

Somewhere in late night phone calls and the lingering glances, you realize that you're in love with Tori, and that scares you.

You're gay. Gay, gay, gay. You're not perfect. But you'll try for Tori, you'll fucking try harder than anything so she'll love you back, because she is perfect, and you need her.

The song ends and silently you lift yourself from the piano stool, Tori passes Andre's guitar back to him and when she sits down you sit besides her and you pull her to you, holding her tight, allowing a few tears drops to fall into her soft hair infront of everyone, because you need to be able to open up, at least a little, if you want to be able to tell her how you feel.

You can tell everyone is curious, but they know better than to disturb Jade West, especially when she's being an emotional wreck.

She doesn't say anything. She just strokes your head and pulls you closer, and for once you don't resist - you just let your heart pour out.

**- IT'S YOU AND ME, AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE WITH NOTHING TO PROVE, NOTHING TO LOSE. -**

She takes you back to her house, promising you that her parents are out till 10pm and Trina is staying at a friends house overnight, and you'll be all alone.

"Why were you crying in Music?" she asks once you sit down, heading to the kitchen. She returns half a minute later with two glasses of coke. "Jade?"

"Tori," you mumble, "I'm ready to say it now."

She tilts her head to one side, furrowing her brows in confusion.

"I'm gay. I like girls." you admit, and you wait for her to say it back, because she _has _to.

"I'm so proud of you, Jade." she puts the glasses down on the coffee table and pulls you up from your seat, then she wraps her arms around you as tight as she can.

You should be happy the first person you've told accepts you, but...

"_FUCK_!" you scream, pushing her away and dropping onto the sofa, curling up into a ball. "Fuck sake, this isn't meant to happen!"

"Jade! What's wrong?" she asks, walking next to you and reaching for your hand, but you tear it away before she reaches it.

"I'm not supposed to be gay! I'm supposed to be a normal girl, and then I'm supposed to become a celebrity, a famous director, and not a God Damn... dyke!" you scream, throwing pillows across the room in frustration.

"Jade! Don't you dare say that word!" Tori scolds you, and you laugh bitterly.

"Dyke? I am. I'm a stupid, fucking, dyke!" I respond, standing up and walking in her direction. "Does the normal, perfect little straight girl have a problem? I am a God damn, mother fucking dyke!" I scream, and she slaps me.

I stare at her, then the hand she used to slap me with, and I start to shake slowly.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly, hesitantly lifting her arms for me to fall in.

"Jade." she pulls me as close to her as she can and she whispers almost silently, "I'm a lesbian."

You lift your head slightly, so her arms are still loosely wrapped around your back, but so your face is only inches from hers, and your mouth are nearly touching and -

Before you know what you're doing, your lips are gently pressed on hers, giving her the softest, most loving kiss you can.

"I love you." you say into her lips, and then you rest your forehead against hers. "I love you, so, so much."

Tori smiles and kisses you again, whispering, "I love you too."

**- I DESPERATELY NEED YOU. -**

**I hope you guys liked it! I'm not a brilliant writer, I know that, so reviews containing some (constructive) critisism would be greatly appreciated, though any reviews are welcome and encouraged ;D**

**If you didn't enjoy it, sorry for wasting your time, haterz gon' hate.**


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